Stan Illuminati Guide
The following are a list of guidelines to let you know whether or not your favorite artist sacrifices sick infants to Satan:
1. Black and White Videos
Anyone who films a video in black and white worships the devil. Real Christians shoot their videos on their iPhones and upload them directly to YouTube. Video editing is a tool of Satan.
2. Wealthy Celebrities
Any celebrity on the Forbes list or who makes more than $20,000 a year worships the devil. Even if they donate 60% of to charity, it doesn't make a difference. That's still the devil's money. Only Satan wants you to be wealthy and prosperous. Real Christians take their asses down to the welfare.
3. Experimenting with Different Musical Styles
If your favorite artists has experimented with rock, techno, or electronic music then they worship the devil. Only Satan wants you to be open-minded and musically diverse. Jesus wants you to work with Polow Da Don for the remainder of your life.
If your favorite artist wears outfits that cannot be purchased at Citi Trendz, Basix, Wet Seal or Forever 21 then they have definitely sold their souls to the devil. Satan wants you to experiment with new fashion styles. Jesus wants you to shop at TJ Maxx.
5. Exotic Animals
If your favorite artist has exotic animals in their music videos then they are DEFINITELY devil-worshipping member of the Illuminati. The only animals in the Garden of Eden were pitbulls and rottweilers.
6. Large Army of Dancers
REAL Christians have no more than 4 dancers in their videos. Only Satan wants large groups of women and homosexuals doing the Dougie in unison.
7. Elaborate Settings with Abstract Symbols and Imagery.
Only a child of Satan tries new visual styles and incorporates abstract imagery. Jesus wants all urban music videos to be filmed in the club, the projects, a bedroom, or the WIC office parking lot with all of your cousins doing various jail poses in the background. If you are a REAL Christian the only symbols in your video should be gang signs.
8. Expensive Music Videos
Only Satan worshippers spend more than $100 for a music video. If you are a REAL Christian then your total video budget should be no more than $42, $20 worth of food stamps, and 4 loose Newports.