ATRL Moderator
Member Since: 10/17/2011
Posts: 20,487
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beatinglikeadrum - 'You're so dead wrong' It's either so wrong, or dead wrong, they don't work together. You're putting emphasis here twice. Some parts in the first verse I just didn't really understand. I love 'I heard the beat, it wants me to sin' though - a nice little gem. Ecstasy is spelt with a c, not an x. 'It opens my skull gates' what? You have some good fire references here, but the English is very poor, did you sent to a mentor? There's a lot of basic things I expected them to pick up on. It's a step up from last round, keep improving - utilise the mentors and all the judges critiques.
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OreGuy - 'Thee' sounds so forced in the first verse lol, throwing in old English doesn't really work unless you use it throughout. 'Grin turns into a smile' a grin is a smile.... This is a cute little sex anthem, there's a few basic English mistakes, maybe use the mentors help? I liked the chorus, with a few tweaks it'd be a slay.
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Kunst - um, I kinda love the opening verse and i'm not sure if I should, but I do. Maybe because you used two of my favourite things, the moon and June. Overall there were a few iffy moments, the fools gold line for example.. but I kinda love this? It fits the theme and you kept the style flowing throughout.
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Glassmouth - I read your explanation at the end of the song and I still felt puzzled, I didn't really feel like it matched up or explained anything at all really. You had some nice references to the theme/type and an interesting set up.. But I would have liked the story to be a little clearer.
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Corsola - 'They aid her in her' I hate repeating words like this. You use 'frigid, frosty, freezing' one after the other in consecutive lines. It's a bit much, it feels like you're forcing each line to fit to the theme/type, it should flow more naturally. It should be 'poised' not 'she's poise' also. I kinda feel overwhelmed reading this, like each line is a struggle to read and get to the point because it's clouded with forced in imagery. You have a nice story/idea, but you ran with the theme a little too much it's overpowering.
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RihsusChrist(ATG) - Why am I cackling and screaming and lowkey loving this. The chorus ends with a real punch, you set up that line perfectly. Stir my senses was sort of an amazing nod to the title. I wish the song was a little longer.. it felt like you cut it short before the climax, pun intended. Add a bridge in, or 3rd verse and you'd have a pretty great bop.
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Jackson - 'Seeps into the cracks of every haven that I find' drag Virginmari. 'Searching for the stars beyond until salvation comes' this line was clunky, fix it fat. No but really, I think it could be a little shorter, it disrupts the flow here. I actually really like the song, the flow and the somewhat imagery, maybe not as much as your song last week, but it's still good. I'm confused which type this is though? Originally I thought psychic because of gods/the mind stuff. But then you said forged and onyx so i'm like okay rock, steel? Idk? The fact I can't work it out kinda speaks that maybe your song isn't portraying the theme in the best way?
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jpow - Girl, why does the first half of verse 1 have pre-school rhymes and the second half have no rhymes? wyd? The chorus is too short, you could do so much more with that! Actually reading the whole thing it felt very basic/rushed, like not much effort was put into it. The imagery connecting to the theme was basic, the rhymes where neither here nor there. I feel like there was potential with the idea.
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