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Tournament: PLΔTINUM HIT 7
Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Quote:
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Originally posted by feelslikeadream
Hugamari - #OTF : WAIT. There is SO much clever wordplay and rhyming in this. First verse is much stronger than second. You shouldn’t use ‘up’ twice in a single line like you do in line 2. The plural form of ‘passerby’ is ‘passersby.’
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Omg yes someone who appreciates the wordplay and rhyming!  I had a lot of fun with this entry for that reason. It felt like a round to just relax and have fun with my song, rather than worrying about getting some beautiful message across.
Also, YoungCalifornia told me the same thing about passerby, but I'll be ****ed if I didn't make the change. 
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Originally posted by Truth Teller
"#OTF (Hugamari) : The rhyming was great for the most part and the song had a consistent flow and pace so I could hear it in my head, which is great and shows you're capable of writing a song. However, I felt that most of the lyrics were pretty cliche and standards for these type of songs and I couldn't help but cringe at some of them, like the "helium - titanium" lines. The title was kind of the best part tbh."
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I will pray I'm not last because it seems like the only thing I did right was put words down. 
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Originally posted by Tymps.
#OTF (Hugamari) : It’s obvious from this song that this isn’t your usual style. It felt like you were trying really hard to switch your style. As a result, some lines felt strange and rather awkward. “I stay on that fly like wings” doesn’t even make sense in a rap song imo, and the bingo thing was just a little much. I appreciate the initiative to try new things but this does not work with how you write
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I felt like it'd be obvious that I struggled with this song in particular, more than it was me struggling with this whole type of writing in general.  I wanted the bingo part to be a bit much and stand out, though, so I will take it as a compliment.
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Originally posted by MattyTacos
#OTF : I thought this was a well done rap song. You have a great melody and an easy flow to follow. I wasn’t a big fan of the chorus and it felt like it was missing something to make me really like it. But, the verses were very good and your storytelling was on point.
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Oh thank you! I can never tell from your reviews where I stand in your rankings, but I will hope Top 20!
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1) #OTF - I love that you did a rap. It was a blast but to be honest, I thought it started out a little rough and I guess that's mainly because the chorus could be stronger and falls a little flat where it should take off, which seems to be an overall pacing thing, although I'm not sure about the gear line in your otherwise naturally themed song (no klinklang). There are some inspired moments here and your verses were overall strong and very tight. I even rapped aloud when I read through them. Nice word play too, I literally laughed out loud at the verse with all the Bitches; Preach!
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It seems to be the general consensus that the chorus fell flat. I do think it may as well have been another verse in the song, due to it not offering much different from the verses, not wrapping the song together, etc. I thought about making my chorus 8 lines but...I'll be completely honest I felt so done with my song when I sent it in, I didn't even want to look at it. (Not like done as in "Wow, this is perfect I can't do any better!" but more like "Wow, this is kind of disgusting.")
But yes @ the bitches appreciation! That was my favorite part! (That and my very low-key EuphorianSea shout-out  )
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Oh mess I thought Golden was schoolin dwuw, apologies DripDrip
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Member Since: 3/27/2012
Posts: 27,951
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Quote:
Originally posted by GotSkill
What a pedo anthem Drip Drip  |
The guy that the song was written about is three years older then me
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 40,803
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Quote:
Originally posted by EuphorianSea
Temple run, run, run to door #4
Four door aventador
You run your mouth like Leona the horse
But I rinse it out like I'm full raw
Eggs on yo face, poached them good like you hate
Tread on what I eat cause I saw
And conquered you babe until you couldn't take
Anymore of this *****, this ***** that likes to snore
Snore awayyyy time flies quicklayyyyy
When I'm around you, everything disappears
Into the mist
Cause when I'm around you, I slip into
Temporary bliss
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You've gone too far
Let me run to my car
and fly as a star
bring my guitar
the bar's waiting for us
I'll leave you a scar
a nasty one
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
(That and my very low-key EuphorianSea shout-out ) |
Err pls pray tell
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
Originally posted by dwuw
You've gone too far
Let me run to my car
and fly as a star
bring my guitar
the bar's waiting for us
I'll leave you a scar
a nasty one
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You call me nasty, but I think you just fancy
Diamonds, tiaras and things like you - so tacky
So back me on this one, when I say you're too cacky
Cause papi you nasty when you drive Mercy Benzy
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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Oh, and this is my mixed-to-positive reviewed rap debut, #OTF
 #OTF[Chorus Intro]
I stay on that fly like wings and I’m
Up high like clouds up in the sky
I stay on that grind like gears and I’m
The man of the year you’re light years behind
[V1]
Like a jet, I be up on that extra fly
I gotta fly, so you best make like a Vine
Ain’t got the time, to hand-hold these kids
Like a handheld; DSi
You’re tellin me your name, that’s TMI
TMZ takin’ snaps as I’m passin’ by
FYI, ain’t nobody passin’ me by
I’m the lead role, they’re just passerbies
I roll into the place like an honor
Schoolin’ all these kids like a scholar
They wanna “daddy” me; bitch, you ain’t my daughter
I flip it like a switch and get it poppin; collar
I’m on that G6 lookin extra sick
I’m yellin B6 ‘cause Bingo, bitch
I drop the puck down like Plinko, bitch
I drop the mic down, cause I’m finished, bitch
[Chorus]
I stay on that fly like wings and I’m
Up high like clouds up in the sky
I stay on that grind like gears and I’m
The man of the year you’re light years behind
[Verse 2]
I be on that fly, I got ‘em buzzin
I be chartin high, and they be bubblin’
I be takin flights out to Dublin
When I get on that beat, they be bumpin
I’ma make it rain, there’s a storm ahead
You best take shelter from the riverbed
These monkeys on my back should watch theirs instead
I be killin this comp, their careers? Dead
I be on that fly, I be on that levitation
These children lookin mad, I don’t know why they hatin
Guess it sucks to suck, and it looks like they fellatin
They all struck with envy, and they say green ain’t creative
I been on top so long, they think that I’m a native
I made it my home, I’ve long been situated
I can’t see the competition
Tell me what’s the situation
[Chorus]
I stay on that fly like wings and I’m
Up high like clouds up in the sky
I stay on that grind like gears and I’m
The man of the year you’re light years behind
I’m up so high now
I’m on my reign like a storm cloud
And they can bow down
I’m on my throne with the gold crown
I’ma stay fly like helium
I’ma stay hard, titanium
[Chorus]
I stay on that fly like wings and I’m
Up high like clouds up in the sky
I stay on that grind like gears and I’m
The man of the year you’re light years behind
I stay on that fly like wings and I’m
Up high like clouds up in the sky
I stay on that grind like gears and I’m
The man of the year you’re light years behind
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 40,803
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Quote:
Originally posted by EuphorianSea
You call me nasty, but I think you just fancy
Diamonds, tiaras and things like you - so tacky
So back me on this one, when I say you're too cacky
Cause papi you nasty when you drive Mercy Benzy
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I'm so fancy
I like using taxis
You want my candy?
Better take off those panties
You seem a bit handy
Wanna be my fiancee?
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Member Since: 9/12/2012
Posts: 26,389
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I can not @ my impact. I send a rap song and suddenly freestyling is a thing.
Is this how conatus feels?
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
Originally posted by dwuw
I'm so fancy
I like using taxis
You want my candy?
Better take off those panties
You seem a bit handy
Wanna be my fiancee?
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From LA to Tokyo
It's like I been on a rodeo
John Lennon been riding on Yoko Ono
Oh no, her cello sounds like really squishy Jello
Cause when I say goodbye, you always say hello
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
I can not @ my impact. I send a rap song and suddenly freestyling is a thing.
Is this how conatus feels? |
Nnnnn definitely your impact sis, it does help me brainstorm a biT.
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Member Since: 3/27/2012
Posts: 27,951
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Quote:
We both know that it's not fashionable to love me
But you don't go cause truly there's nobody for you but me
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When will any of us tbh
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 40,803
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Quote:
Originally posted by EuphorianSea
From LA to Tokyo
It's like I been on a rodeo
John Lennon been riding on Yoko Ono
Oh no, her cello sounds like really squishy Jello
Cause when I say goodbye, you always say hello
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Remember my name 'bout to blow
Because they all know I go with the flow
I made these hoes go slow
But they don't seen to grow
Lemme call the cows
Let me call the cops
They won't be safe till the mess stops
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
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You’re tellin me your name, that’s TMI
TMZ takin’ snaps as I’m passin’ by
FYI, ain’t nobody passin’ me by
I’m the lead role, they’re just passersby
The TMI/TMZ/FYI bit, all the passin' stuff, when will the others?
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hugamari
Oh, and this is my mixed-to-positive reviewed rap debut, #OTF
#OTF
[Chorus Intro]
I stay on that fly like wings and I’m
Up high like clouds up in the sky
I stay on that grind like gears and I’m
The man of the year you’re light years behind
[V1]
Like a jet, I be up on that extra fly
I gotta fly, so you best make like a Vine
Ain’t got the time, to hand-hold these kids
Like a handheld; DSi
You’re tellin me your name, that’s TMI
TMZ takin’ snaps as I’m passin’ by
FYI, ain’t nobody passin’ me by
I’m the lead role, they’re just passerbies
I roll into the place like an honor
Schoolin’ all these kids like a scholar
They wanna “daddy” me; bitch, you ain’t my daughter
I flip it like a switch and get it poppin; collar
I’m on that G6 lookin extra sick
I’m yellin B6 ‘cause Bingo, bitch
I drop the puck down like Plinko, bitch
I drop the mic down, cause I’m finished, bitch
[Chorus]
I stay on that fly like wings and I’m
Up high like clouds up in the sky
I stay on that grind like gears and I’m
The man of the year you’re light years behind
[Verse 2]
I be on that fly, I got ‘em buzzin
I be chartin high, and they be bubblin’
I be takin flights out to Dublin
When I get on that beat, they be bumpin
I’ma make it rain, there’s a storm ahead
You best take shelter from the riverbed
These monkeys on my back should watch theirs instead
I be killin this comp, their careers? Dead
I be on that fly, I be on that levitation
These children lookin mad, I don’t know why they hatin
Guess it sucks to suck, and it looks like they fellatin
They all struck with envy, and they say green ain’t creative
I been on top so long, they think that I’m a native
I made it my home, I’ve long been situated
I can’t see the competition
Tell me what’s the situation
[Chorus]
I stay on that fly like wings and I’m
Up high like clouds up in the sky
I stay on that grind like gears and I’m
The man of the year you’re light years behind
I’m up so high now
I’m on my reign like a storm cloud
And they can bow down
I’m on my throne with the gold crown
I’ma stay fly like helium
I’ma stay hard, titanium
[Chorus]
I stay on that fly like wings and I’m
Up high like clouds up in the sky
I stay on that grind like gears and I’m
The man of the year you’re light years behind
I stay on that fly like wings and I’m
Up high like clouds up in the sky
I stay on that grind like gears and I’m
The man of the year you’re light years behind |
Nnn okay I see the riverbed line ngl I thought the whole song was a shout-out to me
Very nice, reminds me of Onika's harder stuff
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Member Since: 8/31/2013
Posts: 21,462
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I roll into the place like an honor
Schoolin’ all these kids like a scholar
They wanna “daddy” me; bitch, you ain’t my daughter
 I just thought of all the ATRLers posting "Daddy!" in every post about a hot slightly older celebrity. I should have given this a 10.
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
Originally posted by dwuw
Remember my name 'bout to blow
Because they all know I go with the flow
I made these hoes go slow
But they don't seen to grow
Lemme call the cows
Let me call the cops
They won't be safe till the mess stops
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I'm messy til you come back home
It's the end of the road
I feel you deep within my tone
Of my mobile phone
And I pick up, pick up
Where we left off hoe
Pick up, pick up, pick up
What you think you know
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Voicemail - coming to stores near you.
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ATRL Contributor
Member Since: 1/1/2014
Posts: 40,803
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Quote:
Originally posted by EuphorianSea
I'm messy til you come back home
It's the end of the road
I feel you deep within my tone
Of my mobile phone
And I pick up, pick up
Where we left off hoe
Pick up, pick up, pick up
What you think you know
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Goodnight goodnight
sorry to end this freestyle
but im so ****ing tired i have to retire
goodbye goodbye
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Member Since: 9/1/2012
Posts: 25,973
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Quote:
Originally posted by dwuw
Goodnight goodnight
sorry to end this freestyle
but im so ****ing tired i have to retire
goodbye goodbye
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Bitch saying goodbye before we've even said hi
Don't be a lazy ****, I'm not bout that life
But it's alright cause I bid you good night
Til morning light when the sun shines like you blind
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