Quote:
Originally posted by lonnie
I don't know where to start.
First: I live in an extremely homophobic place and I feel it's the reason I haven't been able to have a nice relationship or any intimate relationship to start with. You know how people say that there's someone out there for you? Well I believe that there is someone for me but I can't even express the feelings I've had for some guys for the fear of the repercussions that may come with the risk.
What's more: Last month, during my birthday party, I had the chance to dance with a guy I had a crash on for some months. It was one of the best nights of my life. And I feel stupid now because I thought I was experiencing some cosmic luck that brought this guy to me but he wasn't really interested in a relationship with me. He wanted to just have a good time and that he wasn't gay and that he had a girlfriend despite the fact he wanted us to ****.
So I said no but what infuriates me the most is that he went and told his boys some story about me perving on him and sometime last week as I was walking in my neighborhood, his group of friends started calling me all these horrible names and laughing at me. I didn't even flinch and walked on like I wasn't hearing a thing but it ****ing hurt so bad that someone I've never wronged would do something like this to me.
I've been crying at times this week and I'm trying to remind myself that I'm 20 now and I've been through **** like this before but it's not working, I feel like **** and I haven't gone out much since last week.
And I'm so worried what would happen if my parents find out, I'm only officially out to my siblings but my dad thinks he beat the ****** out of me years ago so if he finds out that I'm still gay, **** will literally hit the fan.
I would really appreciate any form of advice, please.
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Aah, my dearest good sis and nhevi friend . It breaks my heart reading this
First of all, you need to understand that there are also people like you in the world who can't express their sexuality freely because of homophobia in their neighbourhood. ( I feel like us African sistrens have it the worst
)
I've also been through something similar where I fell in love with a guy who I spent an entire week with doing nothing but talking to each other, making jokes, holding hands and ****. But then I found the ***** in bed with his girlfriend and he claimed he never knew me, that we never met
. That **** hurts, I know.
You just have to tell yourself that you'll be fine despite the rumours going around. I know its hard, but don't show that guy and his buddy that you're bothered. Don't give em the satisfaction. Just live the life you've become accustomed to for now, at least until you find the right time to tell your parents. Don't think about what will happen if your parents found out through rumours. Paranoia isn't good for you. You'll be on edge all the time. Just let this play out the way its supposed to.
I was forced to come out to my parents when I got addicted to drugs and started acting up. I was angry at that ***** for leading me on. My parents accepted me, because I'm still their son. I knew my dad wouldn't have a problem with me (because we're very close) , but after I got out of rehab and we moved to another city my mom made it very clear that she's not here for me being bisexual - that its wrong and ****. We don't have a mother-son relationship anymore. We're literally only tolerated each other because of my dad.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that you don't need there will come a time in your life that you should put your happiness before your family's. If it means coming out then so be it. I know its easier said than done, and that we live in a world where homosexuality is frowned upon (again its 100 x worse for us Africans) but ask yourself, are you willing to live as a "heterosexual" male for the sake of what your parents/community might say or do? Or do you want to be happy? I know we all have a need to be accepted by our family and society, but sometimes you just have to stop caring about the narrow-minded and do what's best for you.
I'm pulling for you and wish you all the best. I probably didn't give direct advice and went on babbling, but
Ps: I also think we all have someone out there.